BOYS-ONLY CLUB NOW IN SESSION: THE GREAT BRA CONSPIRACY

Welcome back gentlemen. Meeting now officially in session. I’ll lead off this meeting with a story I heard from a friend of a friend’s neighbor. Totally credible.

He was in some strange living room. The lights were off but the organized circle of lit scented candles on the coffee table illuminated the room enough to get a look. It didn’t smell like the usual stale beer and feet, but rather eucalyptus and hand moisturizer. It appeared to be a living room, but it felt incredibly foreign. The curtains soft turquoise color matched the seventeen throw pillows on the couches. John Mayer’s “Your Body is a Wonderland” played gently over a Gray’s Anatomy episode on the television. It seems so familiar…. like he’s been here before, but not a place of his world. A place no man belonged. His eyes couldn’t help but fixate on the girls wearing ceremonial gowns circled around an ancient parchment of paper with one phrase written with quill and ink. He inched closer to see what it says, making sure he didn’t get seen. It read, “Thou shall never let a man understand bra sizes.” He wanted to scream but he quickly and quietly retreated hoping they didn’t see him.

Spooky stuff.

I’m not lying fellas, I’m 99.99% sure this a true story. Women have a secret cult to hide the secret of bra sizes to men. This is my well-investigated theory. Follow me here…

Since most of men can’t take anything seriously, if we knew exactly what our significant other’s size was, we would be on Amazon buying gag-gift bras for her for every birthday, anniversary and holiday. Just off the top of my head… I would buy some with Bud Light logos, Red Sox insignia, or maybe the replica machine gun bra from Austin Powers.

When was the last time you bought your significant other a bra? That’s right… probably never. They’d all be cheap and terrible. She would reluctantly keep them stuffed in the bottom drawer to avoid hurting your feelings, but deep down she wants to strangle you while you sleep. Girls don’t want that. So what do women do to avoid this nightmare? Use superior brain power per usual… complicated charts and calculus equations that would put even Sir Issac Newton’s brain in a pretzel. It’s genius but I’m onto them.

Now we can all agree that the bra sizes are A, B, C, D and double-D (*little boy giggle*). It’s what we’ve been told our whole lives. Wrong. This is what we the ladies want us to think but wake up! Classic smokescreen strategy. It’s all a huge lie. I forget where I heard it, but it blew my mind when I heard someone refer to a bra as ‘J’ size. I threw up my hands… nothing was the same anymore. What the hell is this?

So I did did some careful investigating and I’m not happy with what I found. Since this secret is so well-kept by females, I had to scan the deep parts of the internet (page 2 of google images). It’s even worse than I could’ve imagined. Make sure you’re sitting down for this.

I don’t even know what to talk about here. But here’s what I have in my notepad: (1) What the hell is UCS? (2) AA is just made up. Why not just push up to Single-A? (3) Having different sizes based on your location in the world is just insane. (4) DD and DDD can also be categorized under a different letter… also insane. (5) Shoutout to the Japanese women keeping it real with letter A through P chronologically.

Another important note on this is the sizes in the chart above are only the band sizes. There are tons of other factors to take into account: support, fabric, color, designs… the list goes on and on.

When you shop for a vehicle, there are varying models and interior packages that often gets confusing. But hundreds of website and apps have been carefully developed to support the car-buying process. No such thing exists for bra shopping. Coincidence? I think not.

Hard pass. Didn’t even bother trying to tackle this one.

Imagine if our shirt sizes weren’t S/M/L/XL or our pants were anything other than a simple inches measurement. Men would all just be naked drooling in a corner. Why would girls do this to themselves? I think I can explain in terms easier to understand…

The German U-Boats in WW2 used the enigma machine to send coded messages secretly throughout the Hitler war machine. It took the smartest brains of the Allied countries countless years to crack the code. No chance they would ever come close to figure this bra code out; even with modern technology. I’m claiming women don’t want men meddling with their bras so badly that they have developed this secret society to shield guys from ever understanding… just like the Enigma machine. Yikes. This might be the greatest secret in human history and it’s right under our noses.

Yes it would, Bill.

So when we talk about picking the right bra for your girlfriend/spouse, you have a better chance of getting struck by lightning with the winning lottery ticket in-hand than buying a bra that she would actually think “hey, maybe my man’s not as much of an idiot as I thought.”

I think we are focused on all the wrong conspiracy theories these days. Personally I don’t really dig deep into aliens or 9/11 being an inside job. The fact that 50% of the human population doesn’t know how an article of clothing works for the other 50% is absurd. It’s up to us guys to figure this out. Food for thought.

Boys-only Club is now officially released. Be careful out there gentlemen.

Cheers.

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One thought on “BOYS-ONLY CLUB NOW IN SESSION: THE GREAT BRA CONSPIRACY

Add yours

  1. This is hilarious! Good job on the research for bra’s. It’s not easy finding the “right one”, but when we do it feels like jackpot. Even better when we take them off to go to bed. They’re typically worth what a dinner for two costs, ouch.

    Liked by 1 person

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