You read that correctly, I almost died today.
I decided to Heath Ledger, method act this bitch. After a full day in the cubicle, I decided to spend my Friday night drunk and alone on my couch rewatching Season 6 of The Office checking my Fantasy Football waiver wires and swiping on Bumble.
I made sure to text my buddies who were out with girlfriends, buying expensive sushi dinners and posing with half-dead eyes for their Instagram post, how much better I had it than them.
After a quick pitstop at the liquor store on my way home from work, I fully immersed myself into the blogging character and stopped by the local Whataburger for a patty melt with some fries and a half and half tea. Not totally sure what volume I should scream and/or whisper into the speaker box, I double checked with the gentleman whether it was the first or second window. Half-listening for the answer, I became confused immediately following the abrupt ending of the conversation.
Excited about blogging, I scrolled through twitter, then instagram, Barstool….back to twitter looking for the latest sports and pop-culture news. Needing to stay on top of my social media game, refusing to let down my 231 Twitter followers. You non-blogging peasants wouldn’t understand. Meanwhile, I’m half paying attention to the car in front of me. Brake lights out of the corner of my eye, brake slowly, back to twitter…
Immediate panic as I’ve come to realize I have gently rolled into the innocent patron in front of me. Ever seen a meerkat’s face after hearing the screech of a soaring eagle from the heavens above on Animal Planet? Sort of like that. I’ve been through almost two years of rigorous Marine Corps bootcamp and combat training, but nothing could’ve prepared me for for a moment like this. I was defenseless, vulnerable and in a frenzy.
Back to the story…
I won’t fat shame because it’s 2018 and obesity is a genetic disease and not funny at all. I won’t even stoop so low to make fun of this Texas woman sporting no shoes and long frizzy chin hair . That’s cheap humor.
This woman* stepped out immediately looking for a fight but I held my ground — my front bumper still smooching her back bumper. “Oh no, what happened?” I proclaimed out the now half-rolled down window. “You hit me” she said in a voice only years of cigarettes could give. Still not funny.
Crap, I was made. No hiding this one.
A few moments of confused looks out the drive-thru window from the friendly Whataburger employee and the close examination of our bumpers revealed no damage was done in the high-speed collision. Not much happened after that. We both returned to our respected vehicles and our food was delivered and we went about our separate ways. I returned home and inhaled my meal grasping for air only when absolutely necessary. My diet starts Monday.
They say a person does a lot of life reflection after a near-death experience and I can confirm. I took to my computer as soon as I could. My greasy keyboard can back that up. Live life to the fullest and pursue your dreams… even if it means disappointing your parents and the rest of your family, writing blogs to a small audience.
As you drive to work tomorrow, I hope you remember my heroic story and call that long-lost friend or family member and remind them how much you love them. Life is short, YOLO, carpe diem… whatever the cool Fortnite kid’s are saying on the internet these days (I’m more of a PUBG guy anyway).
Keep pushing through those hard times. You can always ask for some money another day. But my Venmo is always open. Cheers.